Apart from flash floods and the subtle threat of nuclear war, nothing in the past 11 months has truly prepared you for the one month where the world is high as a kite on the scent of Christmas. Within this period of madness lies the Sweater Curse, which means that any patterned jumper you wear will be met with the question: “Hey, is that a kerrrazeeeee Christmas jumper?!” To which you will reply, “Um, no, I bought this last spring…”, then feel the awkward silence melt like a freshly fallen snowflake.
Still, some of us will be wearing a Christmas jumper because we, too, will have gone A Little Bit Noddy Holder. This look is the clothing equivalent of the musical guilty pleasure, a 100% cotton version of Boney M’s Ra Ra Rasputin; for cinematic evidence, see Colin Firth looking awkward in Bridget Jones’s Diary in a reindeer pullover. Scenes on a Christmas jumper may include the classic (hi, Colin) or the postmodern (one supermarket’s 2018 selection includes a jumper embroidered with images of several Christmas jumpers. It’s what the late Umberto Eco, king of postmodernism, would have wanted).
On some weird scale of Noddydom, wearing a “jaunty”, Yuletide-themed sweater of the kind inspired by Gyles Brandreth is hilarious – but only in an end‑of‑the-pier kind of way. Instead, it’s time for a new approach, something to break the curse.
So here it is – and what do you think? Preferable to a mise en woolly scène of a penguin cavorting with a snowman, right? This is a jumper that is too good to be a mere novelty. It pops with colour and, paired with a suit and my own white trainers, is good enough for a party at any time of year.